Here’s an episode guide for all of the Dark Shadows Every Day posts. For the blog’s greatest hits, check out the “Satan’s Favorite TV Show” tag.
You are watching: Dark shadows episodes 1-209
Introduction: Satan’s Favorite TV ShowBarnabas Collins appears at the White House to frighten underprivileged children.
Episode 210: Opening the Box We break into the mausoleum, find the secret room and open the mystery box.
Episode 211: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner Jason visits the cemetery and makes a new friend.
Episode 212: The Collins Blood We learn several reasons why you shouldn’t play in a haunted house.
Episode 213: I’m Upset About SomethingI explain why Dark Shadows is just like Melrose Place, Happy Days and Family Matters. But in a good way.
Episode 214: Very Much AliveBarnabas talks about pyramids and plaster for a while. Then he loses track of what he’s talking about and never really recovers.
Episode 215: Where’s Willie?Somebody’s going around perforating cows, and Jason’s going to get to the bottom of it.
Episode 216: I Don’t Dig You OutWe get examples of various acting techniques, including backacting and pretending to be afraid of portraits.
Episode 217: Not Enough Vampire in Your Vampire ShowJason gives his expert opinion re: arm blood, we consider the consequences of dude-on-dude vampire action, and Stanley Kubrick gets a great idea.
Episode 218: Madman with a BoxRoger opens and closes doors, Jason plays Where’s Willie, and Barnabas hangs out under the boom mic for a while.
Episode 219: Addled QuacksRoger talks to Willie, Jason, Sheriff Patterson and Dr. Woodard. The episode stops when he runs out of people to be sarcastic to.
Episode 220: Never Drink WineWillie demonstrates a common soap opera malady called EPCP, or Excessive Pre-Commercial Pausing. It’s important!
Episode 221: Mystery DateMaggie meets a tall, dark stranger, and Barnabas gets cane-blocked.
Episode 222: Whom It WasBarnabas makes a social call, and we learn why castles don’t get stormed very often. Also, Sam Evans has 22 words to say; let’s see how many he can remember before the end of the scene.
Episode 223: The Me/You Fun GapThe AFTRA strike of April 1967 takes its toll on the Dark Shadows cast, as Liz putters around, Burke sets his wristwatch, and David complains about the air.
Episode 224: The Late ShiftDavid hears dogs, Jason makes insinuations, and Maggie has some pretty sweet dreams.
Episode 225/226: Fangs for Nothing The end of today’s episode is a huge exciting milestone, which they screw up completely. Also: Barnabas, Sam and Burke play dialogue chicken.
Episode 227: Sick DayMaggie feels drained this morning. We go through the Dracula checklist, plus: triple backacting.
Episode 228: Those Things in That RoomWhat things? You know, those things in that room in the basement. What room? And so on.
Epsiode 229: Thirst World ProblemsMaggie’s lost a lot of blood. She’ll probably find it in the last place she looks.
Episode 230: The Transylvania TwistMaggie’s in a cemetery with a vampire and a fog machine and a brand new hairstyle.
Episode 231: Bedside MannersThe Doctor regenerates, and we break new ground in the field of recaps. Also: I have a question for women.
Episode 232: Just Add WaterA bunch of recap conversations, plus a thunderstorm.
Episode 233: All WetIt’s raining, so Vicki and Carolyn sit around in the drawing room and talk about how scared they are.
Episode 234: Adventures in BabysittingDr. Woodard tells Sam that Maggie’s going to be hit by a car. Or something. I wasn’t really paying attention.
Episode 235: The Waiting RoomMaggie loses blood, and then Dr. Woodard loses Maggie.
Episode 236: Extreme MakeoverMaggie’s disappeared from the hospital, but the most pressing questions are: Why is there a camera in the hallway, and why does everybody keep touching Sam?
Episode 237: Cold CaseSheriff Patterson was up all night searching for Maggie. Now he’s sitting on the couch and talking about how discouraged he is.
Episode 238: Unreal EstateVicki and Carolyn just walk right into the Old House and look around. This is technically suspenseful but you have to be pretty generous about it.
Episode 239: Local Girl Mysteriously DisappearsAn undead ghoul from the 18th century kidnaps a waitress from the local coffee shop, puts her in his dead girlfriend’s wedding dress and takes her on a make-believe date. Relationship status: It’s complicated.
Episode 240: Open HouseWe review the appropriate security protocol for vampires who have a hypnotized girl on the premises.
Episode 241: Mrs. SnuffleupagusAnother etiquette lesson for the criminally insane: How to react when you find uninvited guests hanging out in your house with your brainwashed girlfriend.
Episode 242: A Mystery in ScienceDr. Woodard thinks he’s going to find out who kidnapped Maggie by looking at her blood tests. Burke is concerned, but not enough to remember his lines past sentence four. Let’s see what happens.
Episode 243: Blood DriveDr. Woodard shows up at the Old House and asks Willie for another blood sample, which is a totally normal thing that doctors do.
Episode 244: Indecent ProposalThis episode is basically a series of escalating dares between Liz and Jason, like a very slow and dramatic game of chicken.
Episode 245: Tragic MaladyAnother great example of how Barnabas takes over the show, by being way more interesting than anyone else has ever been.
Episode 246: Family PlanningWe see the very last lawyer to appear on the show who doesn’t end up possessed by a witch. Also: two minutes spent opening and closing doors.
Episode 247: I’m Someone ElseBurke touches Sam again, Maggie invents thinks, and the director tries to figure out how to shoot a scene where a grown man has a conversation while lying on his back in a coffin, without looking silly.
Episode 248: Damsel in This Dress Maggie walked from Collinwood all the way down the hill to her father’s house, wearing a bright white wedding gown and holding a pipe, and attracted no attention at all. What are people doing in Collinsport that they’re too busy to notice that?
Episode 249: That Room with Those ThingsLiz and Jason finally let Carolyn and Roger into that room in the basement, and everybody walks around on Paul’s grave.
Episode 250: Exit StrategyMaggie the Vampire Slayer takes action, recruiting Willie into helping her knock some sense into Barnabas.
Episode 251: Close to Killing YouWhat do you do when your abduction storyline has run its course? You take the same girl and lock her up in a different room. It’s that simple!
Episode 252: How to Ruin Your LifeCarolyn has a pleasant evening out with an agreeable and attentive young man. Everybody else needs to lighten the hell up.
Episode 253: Alive and SomeplaceMaggie is still spitballing escape plans, while David continues his reign as World’s Noisiest Intruder.
Episode 254: The Summer of LoveCarolyn has another awesome evening with her dreamboat beatnik boyfriend.
Episode 255: Job Interview with the VampireBarnabas touches Maggie’s hand, and without thinking, she recoils. That’s what we call a career-limiting move.
Episode 256: Falling DownLondon Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, my fair lady.
Episode 257: Bachelor PartyJason has a quiet word with Carolyn’s boyfriend. It doesn’t go that well.
Episode 258: The Casual GhostMaggie makes a new friend, who happens to be a dead nine-year-old obsessed with singing “London Bridge”. Jealous?
Episode 259: Cell BlockedCarolyn decides that today she’s the lead character in an educational short about juvenile delinquency.
Episode 260: The Secret of My Suspense It’s a Friday afternoon on the last day of school, and the Dark Shadows writers finally figure out what suspense means, just in time to scare the hell out of the kids.
Episode 261: Bigger on the InsideMaggie is found alive on the beach, and Dr. Woodard comes up with a crazy idea: tell everybody she’s dead, and hope for the best.
Episode 262: Feelin’ GloomyVicki tells everybody that Maggie is dead, individually and in slow motion.
Episode 263: Don’t Say AnythingVicki visits Maggie’s father to see if parking herself on his couch helps at all, with predictable results.
Episode 264: UnconscienceBarnabas faces off against Jason, as the writers start to figure out how to keep the vampire on the show.
Episode 265: Doctor StrangeWe fall under the hypnotic spell of Doc-tor Hoff-man.
Episode 266: Jump StartPeople keep walking up to Elizabeth and telling her what time it is. It’s not a surprise that she’s started considering suicide as an option.
Episode 267: The Least TormentBarnabas and Liz stand on a cliff and talk about life and death, and then Vicki and Burke dance.
Episode 268: Suicide Is PainfulElizabeth has decided to kill herself. I don’t know why the rest of us have to suffer, but that’s life, I suppose.
Episode 269: Loving the Monster Vicki tries to talk Liz out of suicide, and I try to figure out why I love this television show when I can’t stand the main character.
Episode 270: Here Comes the BrideCarolyn is determined to stop her mother’s wedding. If anybody can do it, she can.
Episode 271: I Killed Paul StoddardThe wedding guests clear the room for a flashback to 1949, where Elizabeth picks up a poker and just does what comes naturally.
Episode 272: Bourne Yesterday A procedural question for Burke and Roger: Why are you shooting at Jason? He has no history of violence, he’s unarmed, his back is turned, and you’re guests at his wedding.
Episode 273: All These YearsBurke and the Sheriff go downstairs to dig up some trouble.
Episode 274: The BachelorBarnabas and Willie have one of their regular staff meetings, where they review their progress and set goals for the next quarter.
Episode 275: The Last Normal DayJason goes treasure-hunting in a haunted house. It doesn’t go that well.
Episode 276: Crime ScenesIt’s Barnabas’ first actual murder, which for a vampire is basically his bar mitzvah.
Episode 277: Around the SunThis is the episode where Barnabas literally transitions from a psychopathic killer to a romantic love-triangle rival in the middle of a scene.
Episode 278: Of Course! A Costume Party!Barnabas and Willie plan a pleasant social engagement, because that is what vampires do.
Episode 279: Party AnimalsThe upcoming costume party leaves everyone with vague, unexplained feelings of dread.
Episode 280: Costume DramaEveryone shows up at Barnabas’ costume party, and there’s nothing to do but sip claret cup and talk about how much you look like dead people. So obviously they have a seance.
Episode 281: Ancestral ExercisesBarnabas throws a party to get closer to Vicki, but then his ex-girlfriend shows up and tells everybody what a jerk he is. I think we’ve all had nights like that.
Episode 282: The Examined LifeJulia tries to help Maggie figure out why she has that song stuck in her head.
Episode 283: Role PlayingJulia and Dr. Woodard swap personalities, and it sticks that way.
Episode 284: Doctor WhoJulia talks her way into a lifetime invitation to Collinwood.
Episode 285: Kandor CrushThe chilling story of what happens when the living dead comes to your house to lend you a book.
Episode 286: Slumber PartyAnother example of Great Moments in Time-Filling: Vicki walks around Josette’s room for two minutes, lighting candles and then blowing them out again.
Episode 287: Notes on Camp Julia can make more than 20 different facial expressions in 60 seconds. We discuss mythopoetic trickster-figures for a while, and then it’s back to Julia making faces.
Episode 288: The UnreflectedJulia lies to everyone about everything.
Episode 289: That Hoffman WomanVicki and Carolyn talk about the weather, while Julia quietly takes over the show.
Episode 290: The Ancient TruceSomething in the studio catches on fire during the show, and they keep the scene going. Seriously, that actually happens. It’s amazing.
Episode 291: The AlchemistIn a brilliant plot twist, Dr. Julia Hoffman offers Barnabas both a material and a spiritual release from the vampire curse. This involves “purging the arterial system” and other make-believe science phrases.
Episode 292: I Know Who’s DeadJulia lies to Woodard, Sarah tells David that Maggie isn’t dead, and Vicki falls in love with a house. It’s less complicated than it sounds.
Episode 293: UntouchedVicki is going to keep telling rich guys about this house that she likes until one of them finally buys it for her. This is a surprisingly successful strategy.
Episode 294: House PartyVicki and her two suitors walk around “the house” and talk about “the past”. Meanwhile, the spirit of a girl who died in the 18th century breaks Maggie out of an insane asylum. It’s a weird show, is what I’m saying.
Episode 295: Nothing But LiesThe thrililng development today is that the show is now broadcast in beautiful, muddy, low-definition color. Today’s episode includes little cups of things, a one-sided telephone conversation and a prescription-strength medallion.
Episode 296: United Stakes Julia keeps lying to everyone, and then lights a cigarette off one of Barnabas’ candleabras. Julia is a rock star.
Episode 297: The Honest TruthSarah visits Maggie, and demands her doll back.
Episode 298: Dread AlertCarolyn, Liz and Burke shuffle around an empty house, and then Julia comes in and lies to everybody again.
Episode 299: A Human LifeJulia is in love with Barnabas, but Barnabas wastes his time standing in the moonlight with somebody else.
Episode 300: The Other WomanBoring, boring, boring, Julia scene, boring, boring.
Episode 301: Burke Devlin Must DieBarnabas talks like a Bond villain, and disputes Burke’s similes.
Episode 302: The SerpentBarnabas and Julia spend a quiet evening at home, chasing each other around the living room and asking difficult questions.
Episode 303: The Back of My MindBurke and Dr. Woodard review the case, again.
Episode 304: Scooby-Doo Must DieBurke stands behind a tree all night, watching the Old House. Then he goes around and asks people if they think Barnabas is a bit odd.
Episode 305: Paranormal ActivityDavid takes a shortcut through a Chromakey forest, on his way to a playdate at the crypt.
Episode 306: Out of OrderSarah brings David to the secret room in the mausoleum, for no particular reason except to set up a story point for later this week.
Episode 307: Total RecallEverybody sits around in the Blue Whale and does an epic recap of the last two months of the show.
Episode 308: In CirclesSam and Joe try to investigate what’s happened to Maggie, and then Julia lies to everybody.
Episode 309: The Finger of SuspicionIt’s the last day for writer Malcolm Marmorstein, and he’s cooked up something special for us.
Episode 310: GhostbustedDavid looks into his crystal ball to find out where Sarah is. It turns out she’s in the last place he saw her anyway.
Episode 311: A Tomb of One’s OwnYoung man, you are giong to get trapped in that secret room, and you’re going to stay there, whether it makes sense or not.
Episode 312: Search PartyDavid is missing, last seen looking for Sarah. Barnabas doesn’t take the news very well.
Episode 313: Old FriendsDavid’s still locked up in a dark room, but there are lots of other things to look at today.
Episode 314: A Logical ExplanationJoe, Dr. Woodard and Maggie all believe that there’s got to be a logical explanation for all of this.
Episode 315: Between Sentiment and SurvivalThe main character of an increasingly popular daytime television show decides to murder a ten-year-old child.
Episode 316: The Big BadBarnabas thinks that David knows that Barnabas is a vampire, but he doesn’t, although David does know that Barnabas thinks David knows more than he’s saying that he knows, which he does.
Episode 317: The X-FilesSam and Dr. Woodard are still walking around and asking questions, like there’s any chance that they will ever learn anything.
Episode 318: Interesting TimesBarnabas impulsively strangles Julia, and finds out that “secret panel” does not necessarily mean “soundproof”.
Episode 319: This ManiacDr. Woodard has a plan to catch this madman that’s terrorizing the town. It’s not a good plan, naturally, but it’s nice to see him having fun.
Episode 320: This Means Your LifeDavid has a Chromakey nightmare, while Julia and Willie try, once again, to talk Barnabas out of killing somebody.
Episode 321: What We Talk About When We Talk About GhostsIt’s Monday, which means that Barnabas has had the whole weekend to think things over, and he still has the same stupid plan.
Episode 322: To Bite or Not to BiteBarnabas tries to figure out if Julia has actually written a letter, or if she’s just lying again.
Episode 323: Fire at WillGuess who ends up with five bullets in the back.
Episode 324: The Wrong ManWe don’t have a vampire on the show today, but we have the next best thing: an oil painting.
Episode 325: The Spirited ChildDavid looks at Barnabas’ portrait, and freaks the hell out. Then Barnabas comes into his bedroom and shows him a knife.
Episode 326: A Time Like ThisThis post includes the following: goldfish, Nazis, Nick and Nora, The City on the Edge of Forever, butter-colored pillowcases, German Expressionism, and the line “This is just an ordinary medallion.”
Episode 327: David vs the Goldfish People The story of a young boy cursed with the ability to remember things for more than five seconds.
Episode 328: Look! A Ring!Once again, the slow progress of Barnabas’ moral development skids off the highway and into a tree.
Episode 329: Willie Loomis Must DieJulia has to decide whether to kill Willie by removing his IV, or by smoking in his hospital room.
Episode 330: Twenty-two Minutes An examination of the five basic types of Dark Shadows cliffhangers.
Episode 331: Bat’s EntertainmentRoger and Barnabas’ scene is one of those good old-fashioned slow-motion disasters that make watching Dark Shadows such an invigorating experience.
Episode 332: Safe? Safe!Barnabas and Julia do another improv strangling scene, and Sarah breaks the sound effect rules.
Episode 333: Those Meddling KidsThe Scooby gang drives the Mystery Machine over to the Old House. It doesn’t go that well.
Episode 334: All Those Dead PeopleIf the internet had existed in October 1967, then #nuBurkeFail would be trending this week.
Episode 335: The Shadow He CastsA psychiatrist explains to us that the entire show is a metaphor for itself.
Episode 336: Talk ShowDr. Woodard channels Art Linkletter, and discovers that ghost kids say the darnedest things.
Episode 337: Time to KillDr. Woodard is the undisputed front-runner for America’s Next Vampire Victim.
Episode 338: Think Like a WomanA critique of what Barnabas offers right now as a potential life partner, namely: strangling and fretting.
Episode 339: The End of EverythingDr. Woodard sneaks into Julia’s room and spends pretty much the entire episode looking for her notebook.
Episode 340: Dave Woodard Must DieDr. Woodard has opened up another box.
Episode 341: The Night of the DoctorBarnabas and Julia kill Dr. Woodard. Sorry, I should have said spoiler alert.
Episode 342: Shadow of the BatBaffling scenes featuring people wearing baffling outfits.
Episode 343: The ApparatusJulia cranks up the mad science, and Barnabas tries to get a love triangle going.
Episode 344: HauntedEveryone is worried about David.
Episode 345: Rest in PiecesVicki gets some bad news about Burke.
Episode 346: The Shipping NewsWe take a look at the purpose of “love” in an open-ended narrative. Also: why you can’t send Julia to the farm.
Episode 347: Mad ScienceJulia says it’s too early for the vampire cure, but Barnabas insists they go ahead with it. What could possibly go wrong?
Episode 348: Mission AccomplishedBarnabas and Julia fire up the apparatus for another round of mad science.
Episode 349: Secret Aging ManBarnabas has been a human for, like, ten seconds, and all he can do is complain.
Episode 350: Grumpy Old ManIf Barnabas wants to look young again, then he needs to drink somebody’s blood. Two candidates present themselves.
Episode 351: The Grateful DeadCarolyn has a post-biting exit interview.
Episode 352: Disturbed ChildrenIt’s Halloween 1967, and Carolyn celebrates by waking David up early and telling him lies.
Episode 353: The “I Have a Dream” SpeechCarolyn is suspicious that Julia’s been hypnotizing Vicki on the sly.
Episode 354: Haunted House of CardsJulia hypnotizes Vicki again, and leads her all the way over to the Old House basement and back. I don’t know why she can’t do all of these in one trip.
Episode 355: Julia Hoffman Must DieBarnabas decides that he has to kill Julia… eventually.
Episode 356: Beat the ClockJulia has an entire mansion full of hiding places, but she decides to hide her notebook in the middle of Collinwood’s busiest transportation hub.
Episode 357: When Worlds Collide There’s a new writer on the show, and he’s brought a friend.
Episode 358: Boy Meets GhoulA sailor suit, a first date, a hypodermic needle and the secret magic number of the universe.
Episode 359: Love and DeathThis episode poses the crucial etiquette problem: How crazy can a house guest be, before you start carelessly leaving train schedules around, and talking about how nice it is in Boston at this time of year?
Episode 360: Crazy Lady on the LooseThe people of Collinsport are living their lives in peace, until: sudden-onset crazy lady.
Episode 361: The One Where Julia Loses Her Mind I can’t view this episode objectively, so I call in backup.
Episode 362: The Day AfterThis is the thing about Julia: she goes to eleven. And she doesn’t even work her way up to it — today, she starts at eleven, and builds from there. Twelve is an option.
Episode 363: Anyone But YouThe vampire, the doctor, the lawyer, the governess, the niece and the little boy who talks to dead people. For months, they’ve been scrambling around each other, and it’s time to bring this era of the show to a close.
Episode 364: Boom Goes the DynamiteBarnabas thinks that everything will be fine, now that Sarah’s come back. He needs to transition out of that idea in a hurry.
Episode 365: Closing TimeThe Collins family has a problem, and once again, there’s only one thing to do: hold a seance, and talk to the dead.
Episode 366: The Phantom MenaceVictoria Winters begins a strange and terrifying journey into the past, which will redefine the show and reboot the main characters.
Episode 367: Making HistoryVicki wakes up from a strange dream, and finds out that it’s true: she really is stuck in 1795, and everyone hates her.
Episode 368/369: A Wicked WomanHere comes trouble: Angelique arrives at the Old House, and nothing will ever be the same.
Time Travel, part 1: Mist Opportunities A pre-emption Thanksgiving special! We travel through time to 1991, to watch the first episode of the Dark Shadows revival.
Episode 370: A Woman ScornedAngelique is angry, and you know what that means. It’s a bad day to be a toy soldier.
Episode 371: Damn the TorpedoesVicki tries to figure out how time travel works. This is not a typical soap opera question.
Episode 372: Another CountryAngelique casts a spell on Ben Stokes, forcing him to work for her. Now the guy has two bosses that he can’t stand.
Episode 373: The Devil Wears PradaIt’s Ben’s first day on the job, and Angelique has some ambitious first-quarter objectives. Also: Hat parties.
Episode 374: The Wedding PresenceBen stands by as Angelique delivers another spontaneous TED talk about how awesome she is.
Episode 375: Dangerous LiaisonsAngelique stage-manages Josette and Jeremiah’s infidelity.
Episode 376: Card TricksThe story’s stuck in neutral for a day, so Natalie busts out the tarot cards as a plot accelerator.
Episode 377: Speed DatingLove is in the air, as Josette and Jeremiah are drawn together by a spell, and Nathan falls head over heels for Millicent’s money.
Episode 378: Resistance Is Useful Angelique turns Joshua into a cat. This episode has something for everyone, especially people who like deeply goofy television shows.
Episode 379: Nine Lives to LiveNathan comes on to Vicki, and Joshua is still a cat.
Episode 380: Something Borrowed Barnabas and Josette have a traditional soap opera wedding.
Episode 381: Runaway BrideAs Barnabas is searching in the woods for Josette and Jeremiah, he runs across some black box experimental theater.
Episode 382: A Witch in TimeAbigail is sure that there’s something strange about the cat, and there’s something strange about Vicki. She is one hundred percent correct.
Episode 383: The Newlywed Game Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in toasting the happy couple, as they enjoy their first and only dance as Mr. and Mrs. Jeremiah Collins.
Episode 384: Life After LoveBarnabas has a duel with Jeremiah, and he asks the big question that blows the whole family to pieces.
Episode 385: The End of HistoryReverend Trask accuses Vicki of being a witch, and then he just stands there and hollers at her for the rest of the episode.
Episode 386: Make Like a TreeReverend Trask lies Vicki to a tree and leaves her there. I know, it sounds crazy, but let’s see where he’s going with this.
Episode 387: Truth or DareAngelique and Reverend Trask get along like a house on fire. Have you ever seen a house that’s on fire?
Episode 388: The Bad IdeasBarnabas has a lot of feelings about Josette and Jeremiah’s marriage. Angelique is probably not the best person to share them with.
Episode 389: It’s ComplicatedAngelique is disappointed with Barnabas again, and when she has hurt feelings, she tends to say it with voodoo.
Episode 390/391: The PrincessBarnabas tries to weasel out of his promise to marry Angelique.
Time Travel, part 2: Blood, Sweat and TearsA pre-emption Christmas special! We travel through time to 1991, to watch the second episode of the Dark Shadows revival. The sun shines all night, subtext is dead, and I finally explain the real reason why Dan Curtis made House of Dark Shadows.
Episode 392: Christmas Stalking“Fear not! For behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all my people.”
Episode 393: Tell Them We Are RisingThere’s still 10 months until George Romero invents zombies — so what’s that crawling out of Jeremiah’s grave?
Episode 394: Rules of EngagementAngelique can make the dead rise from their graves, she can speak a word and stop a man’s heart — but nobody can deal with Abigail.
Episode 395: Cleaning HouseThe best thing about 1795 is that there’s no shortage of yelling.
Episode 396: Dialogue of the DeadAngelique woke up Zombie Jeremiah, and now he can’t get back to sleep.
Episode 397: Lord of the FliesAngelique is still being haunted by Z-Jay.
Episode 398: No Rest for the WickedSpecial guest blogger Charlie Mason gets all up in Angelique’s face.
Episode 399: Hide and SeekWe spend a whole episode looking for Vicki, and when they get up to her room, she isn’t even there. Typical.
Episode 400: Playing with FireAngelique and Reverend Trask just go ahead and burn down the whole damn show.
Episode 401: BewitchedDarrin wonders what life would be like if he and Angelique had never met.
Episode 402: Plan ABarnabas decides that the best way to deal with his problems is to poison his wife’s sherry.
Episode 403: But I Loved You, and Other ExcusesBarnabas is holding a knife to Angelique, and she’s still doing a sales pitch.
Episode 404: Oh My God, Vicki Is an Idiot Vicki has been accused of witchcraft, and she’s not super equipped to defend herself. Featuring a special appearance by the Worst Actor Who Ever Appeared on Dark Shadows.
Episode 405: Ever AfterIt’s Curse Day! Barnabas shoots Angelique, and she curses him with eternal life.
Episode 406: Unbreak My HeartBen walks into the Old House, and finds both of his employers bleeding out on the carpet.
Episode 407: Bram Stoker’s I Love Lucy Put-upon Angelique struggles with those stubborn post-murder-attempt bloodstains, and then who should come along but her mother-in-law!
Episode 408: A Compromising PhysicianAnother medical school dropout makes a haunted house call.
Episode 409: SpoilersJosette and Natalie get their hands on an episode guide.
Episode 410: NightfallBut first, on earth as vampire sent, Thy corse shall from its tomb be rent: Then ghastly haunt thy native place, And suck the blood of all thy race.
Episode 411: Other People’s BloodWe open the mystery box once again, and something terrible is loosed upon the world.
Episode 412: You’ve Got to Believe MeVicki is being tried according to the producers of soap opera justice, which means that everybody has to say everything they think out loud, until someone starts to cry and then the trial is over.
Episode 413: The New BlackSarah runs out of the house in her pajamas, and runs all the way to the Eagle Hill cemetery, which is apparently in her front yard.
Episode 414: That Thing You DoBarnabas goes down to the docks for a bite to eat. It’s been a rough week for the women of Collinsport.
Episode 415: Closing the LoopAs we start today’s episode, Sarah Collins is alive. Stay tuned for more updates on this developing situation.
Episode 416: Stone ColdAnother day, another funeral, plus a vampire suicide pact. Call me crazy, but I think the show has become a little morbid lately.
Episode 417: Too SoonThis is the second of three straight Sproat scripts, and it’s getting me down. Featuring the return of our old friend, the Convenient Rooster.
Episode 418: A Dark and Stormy Night (Varney the Vampire, part 1)I can’t take another episode by Ron Sproat, so i go to my emergency backup plan — the landmark 1840s vampire penny dreadful, Varney the Vampire.
Episode 419: Lose My NumberJosette gets clingy, and I explain why Twilight is the worst story in the world.
Episode 420: The Stalking DeadA hat walks in, and under the hat is Suki Forbes.
Episode 421: Bird PlanesJosette wakes up with a song in her heart, and a brand-new neck wound.
Episode 422: Confining WomenRon Sproat finds another excuse to lock a woman in a room. He should probably try to develop other interests.
Episode 423: TwistedWhat Dark Shadows lacks in romance, it makes up for in lunatic plot contrivances. Here are several of them, in a row.
Episode 424: Pursued By a BearIt’s absolute chaos around here, with subplots just ricocheting all over the place.
Episode 425: Jump StreetJosette takes a flying leap.
Episode 426: Rosencrantz & GuildensternThe royal family thinks they’re so great, but the B-story walks away with today’s episode.
Episode 427: Disorder in the CourtHear ye, hear ye! The Collinsport Imaginary Witchcraft Court is now in session.
Episode 428: Duel It YourselfFeaturing an explanation of why soap operas can’t do a decent murder mystery storyline.
Episode 429: Destruction, EverywhereDark Shadows single-handedly invents slash fiction, plus: Barnabas comes up with his very worst idea ever.
Episode 430: Dark ConquestAt a certain point, either your show is going to do a two-part episode at Disney World or it’s not.
Episode 431: The Catcher in the RyeBarnabas Collins, the eternal moody adolescent, moves back into his parents’ basement.
Episode 432: The Age of KaijuWe’ve spent three months investigating Barnabas’ past. What’s his future going to be?
Episode 433: Law of the JungleIt turns out that some TV shows know how to do trial scenes, and some just don’t.
Episode 434: Down Our Throats Nathan lied. You want to know why. That question doesn’t get more interesting just because you’ve moved to the other side of the room.
Episode 435: Next Stop KansasThis is the third trial episode in a row. I think it’s time for Dorothy to wrap things up and head back home.
Episode 436: Quivering with Emotion (Varney the Vampire, part 2)I get a day release from witchcraft jail.
Episode 437: There’s Just UsShe’s female, she’s in a stressful situation, she’s expressing how she feels, and it’s 1968. What do you think happens next?
Episode 438: Drag Me to HellBarnabas opened up his Powers of Darkness membership kit, and found a bunch of new tricks for tormenting people he disapproves of.
Episode 439: Something About That HateIt’s February 1968. The Beatles are going to India to study Transcendental Meditation. And yet the single most popular television show for young women is about a guy planning to assassinate a Reverend. How is that possible?
Episode 440: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective VampiresBarnabas needs to learn one of the fundamental rules of crime: If you’re going to go out and attack people, leave your identifiable accessories at home.
Episode 441: Weekend at Maudie’sThe show goes from the ridiculous to the sublime — or, in this case, from the ridiculous to the even more ridiculous.
Episode 442: Cask PartyTRUE! — nervous — very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad?
Episode 443: Fan ClubI think the 1795 storyline is running out of characters. This episode is mostly just carrying props from one room to another.
Episode 444: Anatomy of a Speed BumpThey’ve got some time to fill, and unfortunately, they fill it with Noah Gifford, the world’s worst henchman.
Episode 445: Generation GapAccording to the rules of 1968, the kids should be spreading Love and Peace, and the aging tyrant should be closing his mind to the truth. But this is Dark Shadows, where the normal rules don’t apply.
Episode 446: The Son Also RisesJoshua goes down to the basement, and finds Barnabas in his coffin. Let’s go out there and change some games.
Episode 447: My Family, and Other Crazed AnimalsIt’s day two of the Joshua/Barnabas conversation, with no end in sight.
Episode 448: Fight the TowerWe get some new architecture.
Episode 449: Something Nasty in the WoodshedRituals, locked rooms, vampire attacks and magical portraits — this episode has everything, except sense.
Episode 450: Scary GodmotherHer name is Bathia Mapes. Even that doesn’t make sense.
Episode 451: Exorcise in FutilityWe now join this exorcism, already in progress.
Episode 452: The Great EscapeOh, great! More of this.
Episode 453: Born to RunWho’s up for a good old-fashioned teens on the run story?
Episode 454: Mission: ImpossibleVicki finally figures out that time is a thing.
Episode 455: Food and Medicine and a PlanVicki points a loaded gun at a ten-year-old for basically the entire episode.
Episode 456: An Illogical ExplanationIt’s the final week in 1795, and the characters have moved into a new level of nonsensical behavior. There’s got to be an illogical explanation for all of this.
Episode 457: MisdirectionToday it’s Take Your Executive Producer to Work Day, as Dan Curtis tries directing an episode for the first time.
Episode 458: Don’t Love MeNaomi takes a hit off her giant novelty margarita glass filled with poison lemonade.
Episode 459: Nathan Forbest Must DieIt’s time for a showdown.
Episode 460: Eats, Shoots and LeavesWe finally learn the true secret of the chained coffin, and it’s not what we expected.
Episode 461: Leave Me HangingWe come back to the present day, exactly where we left it four months ago. But how do we turn this broken storyline into a sustainable show?
Episode 462: No Place Like HomeThe most important event in Dark Shadows since Barnabas climbed out of the mystery box: Julia gets a haircut.
Episode 463: Meanwhile, in the PastWe’ve got five female characters to mess with Barnabas, throwing him off balance in unpredictable ways. They’ve got him surrounded.
Episode 464: First Wife’s ClubAnother lunatic joins the menagerie — the eccentric Professor Stokes.
Episode 465: The Best of All Possible WorldsQ: Why doesn’t Barnabas remember Vicki from his past? A: What makes you think this is the same Barnabas?
Episode 466: Welcome to the HellmouthBarnabas and Vicki drive off the road, and into a whole new storyline. Introducing Dr. Eric Lang, played by the Worst Actor Who Ever Appeared on Dark Shadows.
Episode 467: Physician, **** ThyselfDr. Lang chews on all of the available scenery.
Episode 468: The Odd CoupleDr. Lang continues his reign of terror, taking a super creepy interest in Vicki.
Episode 469: Dr. NoDr. Lang pretends that he’s smarter than Julia. There will be consequences.
Episode 470: Mad MenIt’s just Vicki and four guys today, each one nuttier than the last.
Episode 471: A Farewell to ArmsThe post that answers the crucial question: Is Dark Shadows more like The Munsters, or The Addams Family?
Episode 472: Lethal WeaponBarnabas and Julia finally have a conversation that isn’t about Barnabas and Julia. Also: a harpoon attack.
Episode 473: The Twin DilemmaLadies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce to you the new Mrs. Collins.
Episode 474: You Only Live TwiceThis isn’t the silliest thing that Angelique has done — she turned a dude into a cat last year, which is hard to beat — but it’s in the top three.
Episode 475: Witch DoctorProfessor Stokes is loud, and disruptive, and he plays to the balcony. Not this balcony, naturally; I mean the balcony in the theater next door.
Episode 476: Monster MashDr. Lang offers Barnabas the opportunity of a lifetime. Two lifetimes, actually.
Episode 477: We’ve Warned YouAngelique introduces the next thrilling storyline: a Dream Curse!
Episode 478: What Dreams May ComeThe Dream Curse begins!
Episode 479: Face/OffSo, okay. Jeff’s crotch. Let’s start there.
Episode 480: One More LifeThis episode asks the crucial question: can Julia Hoffman be nerfed?
Episode 481: Remember SomeoneThere’s a high stakes, dramatic cliffhanger that can be resolved with three words, and Barnabas trips up on word two.
Episode 482: Witches Be CrazyMore fashion, more shouting, more acting, more rummaging, more dreaming, more doors and more neckties. Mostly it’s neckties.
Episode 483: Free WillieBarnabas and Julia rewrite some history.
Episode 484: Chekhov’s GunIt’s time for another turn on the Dream Curse merry-go-round.
Episode 485: A Huge Naked Dead GuyToday’s the day we’ve all been waiting for — it’s Experiment Day!
Episode 486: If They Both LiveThe experiment was an unbelievable success; now all they have to do is prepare their Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
Episode 487: Precious MomentsA time-wasting episode about a bunch of characters who are worried that they’re wasting time.
Episode 488: Pretty People in Terrible TroubleIt’s time for another Great Moment in Monster Medicine.
Episode 489: Bein’ GreenLook out — David’s back, and he’s got a Nehru jacket.
Episode 490: What to Expect When You’re ExpectingWell, God’s domain isn’t going to tamper in itself.
Sam Hall: In appreciationA tribute to Sam Hall, the greatest Dark Shadows writer.
Episode 491: The Wonder YearsSo here they are, the New Normal: a vampire, his mad scientist gal pal and their very own Frankenchild.
Episode 492: The Terrible TwosBarnabas and Julia face their first crisis as new parents.
Episode 493: Revenge of the Baby-SatOf course you don’t raise your children yourself. That’s what servants are for.
Episode 494: To Your Teeth (Varney the Vampire, part 3)We take one more trip back to 1845, to witness the strange origins of vampire fiction.
Episode 495: The Talking DeadDark Shadows finally picks a side.
Episode 496: Father of the YearSometimes there’s just no logical reason why this set of people would even be talking to each other. This is why you don’t see a lot of jolly soap opera writers.
Episode 497: Frid’s Big Week We follow Jonathan Frid on a week-long promotional trip to discover the true darkness at the heart of America. Specifically, the Glenbrook Shopping Mall.
Episode 498: Diff’rent StrokesThe four words that can topple civilizations: Barnabas has a plan.
Episode 499: A Senior MomentCassandra ages to a crisp.
Episode 500: Really Big BrotherWillie faces his greatest challenge: Babysitter of the Damned.
Episode 501: Say My NameBarnabas, Barnabas, you’re not thinking. Oh, Barnabas! Let him disappear! Barnabas!
Episode 502: Gentlemen Prefer BlondesOh, like you’ve never had a weird first date.
Episode 503: Lock Her UpRon Sproat: Threat, or menace?
Episode 504: The LadykillerWe take a break from the show to look at the Dark Shadows romance novels, which exist in their own unique bubble of lunacy.
Episode 505: The Sinking DetectivePolice officers on Dark Shadows combine the inadequacy of soap opera cops with the inadequacy of monster movie cops. Observe the technique.
Episode 506: After the FallCarolyn recovers from last week’s ordeal, just in time for this week’s ordeal.
Episode 507: The Spirit of St. GeorgeI’m holding out for a hero.
Episode 508: Dream BeaterProfessor Stokes exposes the Dream Curse story as the extended knock-knock joke that it really is.
Time Travel, part 3: Blood ChemistryA pre-emption special, watching episode 3 of the 1991 Dark Shadows revival. Hot tentacles stretch upwards!
Episode 509: Blind DateSam transforms into a magical charity elf.
Episode 510: Some Enchanted EveningWhen a visitor appears uneasy, you should automatically assume that he’s planning to murder you. That’s just basic hospitality.
Episode 511: Séance FictionProfessor Stokes makes a very big mistake.
Episode 512: Everybody RiseIt’s Jonathan Frid’s worst nightmare: he’s chained up and can’t see the teleprompter.
Episode 513: Thirty Two Short Films About Episode 513Try not to panic, Mr. Peterson. The dreadful fact of the matter is that something has gone wrong.
Episode 514: That Endless SummerIn which it is proven that Dark Shadows is more complicated than The Sopranos.
Episode 515: When Adam AttacksPolice are looking for a tall, dark man with a limited vocabulary and an even more limited wardrobe. But, hey — who isn’t?
Episode 516: The UnimmuredBarnabas has disappeared, lost in an extreme home makeover, but Julia and Willie come to the rescue of their former tormentor and new best friend.
Episode 517: Burn NoticeCassandra is determined to wreck Elizabeth’s day, but the spirit of Reverend Trask is on the witch’s trail.
Episode 518: In MemoriamA meditation on death, loss, renewal and teleprompters.
Episode 519: Ex WifeCassandra and Reverend Trask go head to head in a full-on kaiju battle.
Episode 520: What Dead People DoBarnabas and Julia talk about Cassandra and Trask’s title bout like they’re doing a post-game wrap-up on ESPN, while Liz’s drinking problem catches up with her.
Episode 521: Look Who’s TalkingBarnabas and Julia play junior detectives again, on the trail of the missing Cassandra, while Professor Stokes home-schools a Frankenstein.
Episode 522: Brother From AnotherNicholas Blair walks onto the set, and takes over. Who the Hell is this guy?
Episode 523: The Devil You KnowNicholas struts around, and puts Reverend Trask in his place.
Episode 524: Dead Man WalkingThe Jeff/Vicki storyline is wrapped up in twenty-eight seconds. Then it’s unwrapped again.
Episode 525: The Blair Witch ProjectNicholas calls upon all the dark forces of daytime television production to aid him in finding the missing Cassandra.
Episode 526: Nothing But VengeanceNicholas walked into the woods and turned a pile of ashes into a person, and now he’s doing a performance review. Nicholas is a baller.
Episode 527: Ride, Car, House.A performance art piece in one act.
Episode 528: This Tawdry AffairNicholas and Cassandra have a strategy session, which turns into a film noir sequence straight out of The Maltese Falcon.
Episode 529: Missing AdventuresIt’s time for adventure under the sea, with the first issue of Gold Key’s Dark Shadows comic book.
Episode 530: Requiem for a DreamThe Dream Curse storyline hurtles towards a spine-tingling conclusion. Not really.
Episode 531: The Interpretation of DreamsThe girl from the dream is dreaming again.
Episode 532/533: In Darkest HourBarnabas makes Cassandra an offer to end the Dream Curse, and I really want her to take him up on it.
Episode 534: The Scene of the CrimeCarolyn finds Adam hiding in the root cellar, killing time between sprees.
Episode 535: The Point of ReturnClinical notes of Dr. Julian Hoffman, ABC Daytime. Session recorded on June 28, 1968, for broadcast on July 12th.
Episode 536: Advance DirectivesBarnabas Collins is dead, and Julia and Willie dare each other to drive a stake through his heart. Also: an important lesson about televisual literacy.
Episode 537: Life Without BarnabasJulia and Willie face an existential dilemma in today’s tragicomedy, the Dark Shadows version of Waiting for Godot.
Episode 538: The Shaggy DogJulia buried Barnabas yesterday, and now she has to dig him up again. This is not a scaleable business plan.
Episode 539: Grieve a Little GrieveBarnabas is dead (not really), and Nicholas comforts Vicki (not really).
Episode 540: Mission: InscrutableThe writers have had the better part of three months to figure out what they were going to do with Angelique after the Dream Curse storyline. They have not used that time effectively.
Episode 541: Death of a MacGuffinIn which we discuss Dr. Lang’s tape recording, the Maltese Falcon, the Ark of the Covenant, and the champion of all MacGuffins — the pen.
Episode 542: The Diary of Anne FrankensteinIs Adam a vicious monster, or a sensitive grad student?
Episode 543: The Trouble with HarryAn episode focused on Mrs. Johnson’s son Harry, who’s played by the least likeable actor in Dark Shadows history.
Episode 544: The Facts of LifeAdam tries out the Green-Skinned Space Babe maneuver on Carolyn, using a classic reverse-Kirk formation.
Episode 545: Teacher’s PetNicholas Blair has a new project to work on, while Angelique gropes for something substantial to do.
Episode 546: A Little BoredA discussion of why General Hospital and Dark Shadows are basically the same show.
Episode 547: Justice in HellPart 2 of the compare and contrast exercise between Dark Shadows and General Hospital.
Episode 548: Bleak Lives MatterFor his next trick, the Great Nicholas turns his lovely assistant Angelique into a prune.
Episode 549: Take What You WantAdam’s homeschooling curriculum takes a dark turn.
Episode 550: The Afternoon AfterCarolyn is assaulted by Adam, and she turns to Professor Stokes to figure out what to do about it.
Episode 551: Cruel WorldAs Adam continues to dominate the storyline, we do a review of what Barnabas has been up to since Vicki came back from 1795.
Episode 552: Hooked on PhonicsAdam’s got new things to say, and a new vocabulary to say them with.
Episode 553: What Not to DoVicki’s trapped in Adam’s room, and so are we, apparently forever.
Episode 554: Fresh BloodWhat do you do when America falls in love with your vampire show, and you don’t have a vampire anymore?
Episode 555: All Tied UpNicholas and Adam stand around in a dirty room and talk about what they’re going to do with a kidnapped governess.
Episode 556: ApotheosisA good-looking Deputy meets a seductive lady vampire, as Dark Shadows figures out what it’s for.
Episode 557: A Race of MonstersBarnabas and Julia take time out from a busy storyline for a Junior Detectives meeting.
Episode 558: The Long, Hot SummerI finally get around to writing about the Civil Rights Movement, and its connection to The Bride of Frankenstein.
Episode 559: Everything You DeserveNicholas, Joe and Maggie are locked in battle, fighting over who’s the most interesting person in the scene.
Episode 560: Messing Around with Dead PeopleWoe unto them that seek deep to hide their counsel from the Lord.
Episode 561: The Big SleepAngelique lures Joe into her clutches, in yet another scene that reminds me of The Maltese Falcon.
Episode 562: He’s Just Not That Into Being Supernaturally Controlled By YouWe examine the show’s new “pretty boy in peril” motif, as vampire Angelique turns Joe into a hunk of meat.
Episode 563: A Sense of ThemselvesA list of 32 things that I like about this episode, in order of appearance, with a special focus on pretty boys in peril, and introducing Miss Beverly Atkinson.
Episode 564: Dig DugBarnabas, Julia and Willie have a family outing at the cemetery.
Episode 565: Weird ScienceBarnabas and Julia argue about which storyline to care about.
Another New Beginning (Bloodlust)An irresponsible troupe of time-travelers has been fooling around with the seals and sigils, recklessly summoning a fresh nightmare into our world.
Episode 566: The HangoverBarnabas tries to figure out what’s happened to Julia, who’s the latest vampire victim.
Episode 567: The Show Goes OnAdam throws Jeff head-first onto a part of the set that you shouldn’t be thrown at, and I spend the rest of the episode wondering if he’s okay.
Episode 568: Do You Want Vicki to DieJeff finds the secret murder lab in the Old House basement, and winds up in an involuntary late-night job interview.
Episode 569: Liz MisérablesElizabeth is cursed and Julia is vampire-bitten, so they organize an intramural spookiness competition.
Episode 570: Fridspeak FridayBarnabas tracks down one of the rogue vampires in a particuarly error-prone episode.
The British Invasion (Bloodlust)Here are some more thoughts about Big Finish’s new Dark Shadows audio drama, because I have some and you might as well hear about them.
Episode 571: Raising the StakesBarnabas fights Tom in another unfortunate case of Drac-on-Drac violence.
Episode 572: Junior DetectivesBarnabas and Julia get to play their favorite game, as they investigate the spooky happenings at the House by the Sea.
Episode 573: This Strange Way That You’ve Been BehavingStrung out on vampire feedings, Joe asks Maggie to help him kick the habit.
Episode 574: Trade SecretsA look at the gum cards, which offered precious fragments of Dark Shadows’ life force for only five cents, plus a stick of bubble gum.
Episode 575: Crazy TalkThe show just goes nuts again, with vampires, Frankenstein monsters, time travelers and grave-robbers.
Episode 576: When They Think I’m DeadThose scaredy-cats at CBS move The Secret Storm out of the 4:00pm timeslot, so that it doesn’t have to compete with the unstoppable ratings juggernaut that is Dark Shadows.
Episode 577: Artificial IntelligenceCarolyn doesn’t know what to do with Adam, and neither do the writers. Bad planning is kind of an epidemic around here.
Episode 578: The UnderstudySomething terrible has happened to Carolyn.
Episode 579: Sproatinger’s CatIt’s one of those episodes where Jeff’s in the basement talking to Barnabas about Vicki, and Vicki’s upstairs talking to Julia about Professor Stokes.
Episode 580: Temporary SanityJeff is forced to help build another Frankenstein monster.
Episode 581: Light My FireIt doesn’t look like a Frankenstein movie, and Lord knows it doesn’t look like a soap opera, so why does Angelique’s life force experiment look so familiar?
Episode 582: The Can’t Let Me Know What SceneBarnabas wants an explanation.
Episode 583: Every Woman We Know“I have decided,” Barnabas says, “the body who gives the life force will be…”
Episode 584: The FugitivesLife in the Dark Shadows studio is even more fraught than usual; this is the one where they had to tape the dress rehearsal.
Episode 585: The War on HalloweenWith the Bride of Frankenstein story dragging on, we ditch the show and spend the day playing the Dark Shadows board game.
Episode 586: The Invisible WomanAdam tries to murder Vicki, without much success.
Episode 587: In Which I Just Can’t Even With ThisHow do you even begin to explain why a Frankenstein monster is playing a heated game of passive-aggressive solitaire while a vampire describes his victim selection process?
Episode 588: Maggie EvidenceWillie and Maggie are stuck in the mausoleum, reviewing old business.
Episode 589: In the Fewest Words PossibleVicki tries to explain things to Roger, without much success.
13 Reasons Why You Should Buy “Bloodlust”Explaining why Big Finish’s Dark Shadows audio drama miniseries should be a part of your life.
Episode 590: This Old HouseThe entire episode today is people arguing about whether they should go upstairs or downstairs.
Episode 591: The Sound of ScienceBarnabas and Julia run the Bride of Frankenstein experiment all over again, this time with Carolyn in the lead role.
Episode 592: And the Walls Fell DownAdam tries to tuck Carolyn’s life force back inside her body, but it’s like trying to get toothpaste back in the tube. It’s a one-way street.
Episode 593: Missing PersonsAdam is on his way to massacre the entire family. Springing into action, Barnabas drinks a glass of water.
Episode 594: Weak Shoddy AdversaryNicholas summons the most evil woman in history to be the Bride’s life force, and uses the Satanic power of anagrams to cover his tracks.
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Episode 595: Electric LadylandJulia flips some switches, twiddles some knobs, and brings Adam’s mate to life.
Episode 596: The Spook FortressEve opens her eyes — the experiment is a success! — bu